"we'll all stand around and shake our heads and say "the heck did he mean?" "
--------Rachel Chesley on the words I say immediately before I die

"Why don't we just skip the sex and get straight to the guilt!"
--------From The Kids in the Hall

"If I were ever on "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?", I'd use my lifeline to call Ben Stein. Not only does he know just about everything, but it would make Regis look like a wuss for not having the guts to put HIS own money on the line."
--------Kevin Cecil

"Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial "we". --
--------Mark Twain

"Kevin, gimmie the booze."
"Hold on, let me get some first."
--------Me and Kevin Teeter preparing for our rebuttal in the theological debate with Adam

"I'll take 'Internet Porn' for 100, Alex."
--------Andy Pierson

"If I'm ever caught in an earthquake, I'm gonna do my little happy dance. Nothing *ever* goes wrong when I'm doing my happy dance."
--------Andy Pierson

"Women are God's way of saying: Guys shouldn't try to procreate by themselves."
--------Andy Pierson

"Writing for a penny a word is ridiculous. If a man really wants to make a million dollars, the best way would be to start his own religion"
--------L. Ron Hubbard, founder of Scientology

"Sometimes I hear voices in my head telling me to do strange things, but I always wonder if that's just me thinking about things I really want to do anyway."
--------Scott Griffin

"If you get a headache while in church, that means that God is trying to see what you're thinking. Contrary to logic, you should not make things easier by yelling to God, "So why didn't the Thundercats have their own theme park?"
--------Dakota Shepard

"nope. made that up all on my own. isn't it revolting?"
--------Kristan Wagner

"Please take me by the hand,
It's so cold out tonight.
I'll put blankets on the bed.
I won't turn out the lights and
Don't forget to think about me and I
Won't forget you..."
--------Blink 182, Going Away to College

"Remember, there's no "I" in "TEAM" -- but there is an "EAT ME" if you don't mind using the "E" twice."
--------Lewis Shiner

"When I meet God, I'm gonna ask him one question: Why did you make me so unattractive, yet so horny?"
--------Lindsay Acord

"Fuck this place
I lost the war,
I hate you all.
Your mom's a whore.
Where's my dog?
Girls are such a drag."
--------Blink 182, Dysentary Gary

"If you want something done right, shut up and get me a cappuccino."
--------Bryan

"I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants."
--------Sarah

"WARNING: prosecuters will be violated."
--------Rhonda R.

"I think a good commercial would be to show how Tide detergent can wash the stain out of the Shroud of Turin. The jingle could be: "Tide, more powerful than God!" "
--------Damon Milhem

"Salad is murder."
--------Kendra D.

"They'll beam it out of our bowels."
--------Mark, in reference to a future time when toilets are no longer necessary.

Jimmy: "What if the sky was pink?"
Adam: "You would wonder what it was like if it was blue. This is it."
--------Two random guys

"We are the flaming, exploding, CGI-movie saturated MTV generation after all. If it isn't bright pink and green, naked, on fire and computer animated, I just yawn and walk away."
--------Spotted on /.

"Popcorn is good with Parmesan cheese. It makes much more of a meal. You get your grains, you get your dairy, it's hot food. It works, I'm telling you."
--------John, on his starving student days at Berkeley.

"I'm now going to smear clue musk on you and stand you in a field of horny clues in the middle of clue mating season. I think it's the only way you could ever possibly *get* a clue."
--------Leah Adezio

"We have reached our cruising altitude of three feet, and I expect a smooth flight all the way into New Orleans."
--------Greyhound bus driver

"touch ; finger ; yes ; unzip ; mount /dev/girl ; fsck ; fsck ; fsck ; fsck; fsck ; gasp ; yes ; fsck ; fsck ; unmount ; zip ; sleep"
--------An old UNIX command sex joke (of sorts)

"Facts are stupid things."
--------Then-President Ronald Reagan

"She has moments when she seems stable, but then so does nitroglycerine."
--------Dan

"This world's an ugly place but you're so beautiful to me."
--------Blink 182, Going Away to College

"theoretically, from what i've heard, we're supposed to be happy with each other, only."
--------Kristan Wagner on relationships, during a 'Why Andy Looks At Other Women' conversation

"All America hates drugs, but we LOVE the stories!!!"
--------The guy on Talk Soup

"If you're gonna be screwed, at least use a lubricant."
--------Robin Williams

"...with thirty extra minutes of pimpin' footage!"
--------Andy Martin (Wow! Two in a row!)

"If there is no spoon, is there a fork? And what about chopsticks??"
--------Andy Martin (me again!)

"[W]hen a scientist can't explain something, he is likely to be annoyed. It makes him look foolish."
--------Minus Planet by John D. Clark

"[My passwords] are just the initials of the last girl i screwed and how many times i screwed her."
"So it's 'mom99999'?"
--------Exchange in the comments of a /. poll

"Frink" might mean "Gee, I really want a Twinkie", or, "Get the hell out of my tree".
--------Peter trying to eplain why Two-toed sloths make a noise similar to "frink".

*Looks at watch*
"Aw man! I gotta be at church soon!"
*Swigs vodka from the bottle, then runs to get dressed*
--------Adam Lipham walking that thin line between Saturday night and Sunday morning

"Who will sa-e-ave your soul?"
--------Gary, in a very soulful voice, as a physics professor writes "Joule" on the chalk board.

"And THAT'S why you keep your brain on its OWN IRQ."
--------Kevin Teeter

"Beige shall be the colour of computers and the colour of computers shall be beige. Black shall they not be, nor either shall they be grey, unless they will then be painted beige. Translucent anything is right out."
--------Seen on /.

"I have calculated that there is only about a one in 1,700 chance that it is due to chance."
--------Dr. John Murray, astronomer

"My Peter Pan existence is being threatened!"
--------N. Jones, upon graduating from college.

One difference between man and beast is that in the jungle there is not a group called 'Predators for the Ethical Treatment of Prey'."
--------Mr. Monologue

"Women! How can you trust anything that bleeds for a week and lives?"
--------DJ

"My apartment isn't furnished. It doesn't have all those things you need to live. ... And somehow, in my macho mentality, I think it's bullshit to go buy these things. I think, "No real rock and roll animal buys a hand towel!" "
--------Henry Rollins

"I wonder what Jesus would do if *He* had to reload Windows 95 for the eighth time today?"
--------Mirabour Gilbride

"Ocean: A body of water occupying 2/3 of a world made for man -- who has no gills."
--------Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

"As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" -- probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on."
--------Woody Allen

"Isn't it enough to see that a garden is beautiful without having to believe that there are fairies at the bottom of it too?"
--------Douglas Adams

"If "he who lives by the sword shall die by the sword" holds true, then jesus the carpenter met his end properly. After all, he was nailed to a piece of wood, wasn't he? "
--------Anonymous

"My mind is not in the gutter. My mind comes up to the gutter to feed."
--------Catherine

"Okay, there's a difference between [making] love and screwing. [Making] Love is all gentle and sweet and stuff, and screwing is just going BOOM BOOM BOOM AS HARD AS YOU CAN!"
--------Jess

"We...Don't...Give...A...Shit, We are playing this song for us"
--------James Hetfield (lead singer for Metallica)

"Call it anarchy or whatever you want to - there's times when you wanna be able to do whatever the fuck you want and, y'know, life's short, so why shouldn't you?"
--------James Hetfield (lead singer for Metallica)

"Authority pisses me off. I think everyone should be able to drink and get loud whenever they want."
--------James Hetfield (lead singer for Metallica)

"It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye, then it's fun ya' can't see."
--------James Hetfield (lead singer for Metallica)

"Lars was always nervous on stage, so he'd play faster and faster. Nobody wanted to wimp out and tell him that he was playing too fast. We just figured, 'Hell, we'll just play faster too.'"
--------James Hetfield (lead singer for Metallica)

"If you came for spandex, eye-makeup, and the words ‘oh baby’ in every song, you're at the wrong fucking show."
--------James Hetfield (lead singer for Metallica)

"The Early Bird may get the worm, but there's a lot to be said for the Tardy Worm."
--------Jim Lockwood

"God gvae mee a dick and a braine, and only enoufgh bllode to use one at a time, so excusse me fro not leraning how to spelle."
--------Anonymous

"Emacs is for people who desperately want to get drunk, but feel guilty doing so without a reason."
--------Miles O'Neal

Physics is to math like sex is to masturbation.
--------Dr. Watt (Head, Physics Dept., Phillips Academy, Andover, MA)

"JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE BIG AND YELLOW DOESN'T MAKE YOU GOD!!!!"
--------Anonymous, yelling at a school bus

"If I'm not back in five minutes, avenge my death upon the innocents!"
--------Me or Kevin Teeter. I can't remember who said it first.

"If you want to know what's it like in a black hole, you send your grad student. That's what they're for."
--------Astronomy Prof Balbus

"Clones are people two."
--------Seen on /.

Andy: "Wouldn't you love an accountant named Slickman?"
Kristan: "That or a condom factory."
--------Me and Kristan Wagner on the phone

"Ok, that's it. Never date a Christian. How can I compete with God? FUCK the Pentecostals!"
--------Sheilah, distressed that her new boyfriend prefers God to her

"Danger: Retarded Pit Bull High On Angel Dust."
--------Sign on dorm room door at UVA

"If life gives you lemons, I don't recommend making lemonade, because unless life gives you sugar too, that stuff will be undrinkable."
--------Keith Sanvidge

Teacher: "Have you ever wondered how that could have happened?"
Dan: "No."
Teacher: "That was a rhetorical question. It wasn't meant to be answered."
Dan: "But that was a rhetorical answer. It wasn't meant to be questioned."
--------Dan, in an exchange that got him sent to the back of the room for the rest of the sememster.

"I'm a polyatheist -- there are many gods I don't believe in."
--------Dan Fouts

"The only thing standing between me and total happiness is reality."
--------Douglas Porter

"Nothing in life is so bad that it cannot be made much, much worse by the addition of lots of spikes and razors."
--------Sean Kozma

"You know what would be fun? Drop acid, smoke PCP, and take the White House tour with Jim Carrey."
--------George Carlin

"The wise masters all say that the path to enlightenment is attained through compassion, thoughtfulness and a deep respect for all life. And it wouldn't hurt to know some kung-fu so you can kick the ass of any moron who refuses to listen."
--------John Roney

"I just love the first day of school. The smell of beer on the floor, the dark smoky rooms, the sticky tables and squeaky chairs... no, wait. That's not school."
--------Mark Torrente

"Then it all crashes down
and you break your crown
and you point your finger
but there's no one around."
--------King Nothing by Metallica

"I'm bored and I wish you were here and I'm lonely and I wish you were here and I love you and I wish you were here."
--------Unknown

"Is not that the nature of men and women -- that the pleasure is in the learning of each other?"
--------Natira, the High Priestess of Yonada, "For the World is Hollow and I Have Touched the Sky"

"If I have any more caffeine, I'm going to end up running down the hallway naked."
--------Seen on /.

"Love is being stupid together: "You know, we've been staring at each other for three hours now......" "
--------Craig Pagganucci

"God was a regular chatterbox in the days of the Old Testament, but now He's been silent for 2,000 years. But I'd say it's time for Him to check in, because this whole rap music thing needs attending to."
--------Vera Vague

"The day that you die will be like any other day, only shorter."
--------Unknown

"Next time you wonder if technology is a good thing, just try sending hundreds of lame jokes and pornographic pictures to friends via the U.S. Postal Service."
--------Brad Osberg

"Yesterday upon the stair I met a man who wasn't there. He wasn't there again today -- I think he's from the CIA."
--------Seen on /.

"I think in a past life I was a ruler in Egypt. I can tell cause I really like wearing sandals a lot."
--------Tom Sims

"Even as a kid, I knew someday I'd be in a profession where I could help people. Either that or a Viking 'cause man, you gotta admit, those helmets with horns are pretty cool."
--------Daniel Avrin

"If you ever meet a holy wiseman, don't trust him, because there's no way to tell if he's REALLY a holy wiseman."
--------Josh Winston

"As a shorty, playin' in tha front yard of tha crib, I fell down and I bumped my head. Somebody helped me up and asked me if I bumped my head. I said, "yeah." So then he said "Oh, so that means you're gonna switch it on." I said, "Yeah! Flip Mode! Flip Mode is the greatest!" And as a shorty, I was always told that if was gonna be part of the greatest, I had to be the greatest myself."
--------Busta Rhymes, Gimmie Some More

"The truth of it makes it no less fun."
--------Andy Martin (Once again, ME!!!!)

"But that's Kubrick. Kubrick always seems to be the exception."
--------Eduardo Sanchez, co-writer/director of The Blair Witch Project

"The world is my oyster. Now I just have to figure out how to get the damn thing open."
--------Bob Johnson

Random Person: "What is it about you that makes alot of people like MJ [Michael Jackson] want to work with you?
Slash: "Usually it's either people I hang out with, that I get along with, that happen to be musicians as well, or it might be something about my guitar playing, I don't know."
--------From an online interview with Slash, one of the greatest rock guitarists to walk the face of the earth.

"I am going to die. You are going to die. And while I suspect Bill Gates has mad scientists working on a plan to keep him alive forever, he will probably die as well. "
--------The Misanthropic Bitch

"Love conquers all. I should know -- I've been raped, pillaged, sacked, sieged, and razed by it."
--------Pete Sears

"Time is somethin' that may change me, but I can't change time, so fuck it."
--------Limp Bizkit, 9 Teen 90 Nine

"Reality is for people who lack imagination."
--------Seen on /.

"First he did 2001, A Space Odyssey. THEN he came up with that cube puzzle, and finally, he makes a movie about Nicole Kidman getting naked. Man, Stanley Rubik was an amazing guy."
--------Derek Littlefield

"I gained an infinitude of coolness points for the very heinousness of my surroundings."
--------Adam Lipham

"Somewhere, there is a .sig so funny that reading it will cause an aneurysm. This is not that .sig."
--------Seen on /.

"Is anyone working on a Bestoshire Sauce, or have our standards really fallen that far?"
--------Jeff DeStefano

"Sometimes our light goes out but is blown into flame by another human being. Each of us owes deepest thanks to those who have rekindled this light."
--------Albert Schweitzer

"I think it is very beautiful for the poor to accept their lot, to share it with the passion of hrist. I think the world is being much helped by the suffering of the poor people."
--------Mother Teresa on poverty

"Tonight, instead of discussing the existence or non- existence of God, they have decided to ight for it."
--------Monty Python

"A reading from the Book of Armaments, Chapter 4, Verses 16 to 20: Then did he raise on high the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch, saying, "Bless this, O Lord, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy." And the people did rejoice and did feast upon the lambs and toads and tree-sloths and fruit-bats and orangutans and breakfast cereals... Now did the Lord say, "First thou pullest the Holy Pin. Then thou must count to three. Three shall be the number of the counting and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither shalt thou count two, excepting that thou then proceedeth to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the number of the counting, be reached, then lobbest thou the Holy Hand Grenade in the direction of thine foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it."
--------Monty Python and the Holy Grail

"Now 7-11 has bowed to pressure from the Moral Majority to remove Playboy and Penthouse from their newsstand. I guess to be fair you have to look at it from the fundamentalist perspective - what they're saying is that they don't want pornography out in the open, because what it does is it forces a certain type of literature on somebody in a public place. It would be like..., uh..., oh I don't know, say like ...putting the Bible in everybody's hotel room, or something crazy like that."
--------Dennis Miller

"If I had a gun, I'd spend all my money on bullets."
--------Kevin Teeter

"With all the advances in television technology, why is there still no "Everyone Gets Naked" button?"
--------John Gephart

"In a world without leaders, who'd start all the wars? The world that you're saving will always be yours."
--------Kill the President by the Offspring

"Like that episode where Gilligan gets sick of being teased
And he breaks into the Professor's lab and makes some LSD
Peaks freaks and eats the Skipper's brains then beats Ginger with coconuts
As Mr. Howell and Lovey burn alive inside of their grass hut
Oh he'll kill again that Gilligan they should have let him be
And like a postal clerk I'll go berserk if you don't stop teasing me
See the trick is only pick on those that can't do you no harm
Like the drummer from Def Leppard's only got one arm
The drummer from Def Leppard's only got one arm
The drummer from Def Leppard's only got one arm
The drummer from Def Leppard's only got one arm
The drummer from Def Leppard's only got one arm
The drummer from Def Leppard's only got one arm
The drummer from Def Leppard's only got one arm
The drummer from Def Leppard's only got one arm
The drummer from Def Leppard's only got one arm"
--------Why Is Everybody Always Pickin' On Me? by the Bloodhound Gang

"When I was young I used to pray for a bike. Then I realized that God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness."
--------Dan Gadino

"Where I come from we don't drink coffee at 10 in the morning. I will take a cold beer, though."
--------Stone Cold Steve Austin

"Can I get you a cold beer too Mr. Austin?"
"No, honey, but you can get me a 7 and Crown."
--------Some random female and Stone Cold Steve Austin

"A wise man once told me, "How the hell did you get past the dogs!?!" "
--------Jim Morrow

"Sometimes being an adult is exactly what you imagined it would be when you were five: staying up late and eating Lucky Charms for dinner."
--------Ryan Rollinson

"History doesn't always repeat itself. Sometimes it just yells "CAN'T YOU REMEMBER ANYTHING I TOLD YOU?!?!" and lets fly with a club."
--------John W. Cambell

"There's nothing wrong with me that can't be cured with a little Prozac and a polo mallet."
--------Woody Allen

"Yet bend not all the harm upon yourself. Make those that do offend you suffer too."
--------William Shakespeare

"There are three kinds of lies: Plain lies, damned lies, and benchmarks."
--------Seen on /.

"I did it all for the nookie! The nookie!"
--------Nookie, by Limp Bizkit

"I figured, therefore, Linux source code would have to be shielded from young eyes, lest they get the impression that "fuck" is a valid engineering term."
"Hell, 'fuck' is THE engineering term!"
--------Jamais Cascio and Kevin Teeter, respectively

"There are about 6,000 stars in the sky visible to the naked eye. We understand them all with the sole exception of Eta Carinae. There is no theoretical explanation for it."
--------Kris Davidson

"Occasionally something happens in astronomy that is so bewildering that it makes astronomers nervous."
--------Kris Davidson

"I realized that if I were to eat the bag my rice cakes came in, I'd likely ingest more nutrition than eating the cakes themselves."
--------Connie Chai

"Saying that you want to have children is like saying you want to go to prison and have a 600 pound 'roommate' named Earl."
--------Andy Martin

"I'd like to join a cult sometime, so that my wife would have to track me down and "deprogram" me. You just *know* the makeup sex would be great."
--------Elliott Hopper

"These opinions are mine, not those of Georgia Tech. It is the opinion of Tech that I should be writing a paper on some topic or another."
--------Tigress

"Let's not forget that God is the author of laughter and that the first miracle Jesus performed was turning water into wine so that a party wouldn't end prematurely."
--------Jim Passalacqua

"Talk to your kids about sex. Tell them just how absolutely incredible it really is."
--------The Covert Comic

"I don't care how much you and your cat love each other, if you were one inch smaller than the sweet little kitty, he'd eat you in a heartbeat."
--------Christopher Ames

"The best defense is a good offense, and I plan to start offending right now."
--------James T. Kirk

"I'm back where I started, with 3 stacks of high society."
--------Rounders

"So gambling makes a good thing even better!"
--------Lisa Simpson

"The glue train stopped there four times a day for ten years, and they took a sniff every time."
--------Veteran of a firm now free-falling out of the Fortune 10,000

"If you sat a million monkeys down at a million computers, they might just fix this Y2K problem... Oh wait, we're already doing that."
--------J.P. Styskal

"If you gots time to tug, you best be tuggin' "
--------Paul Labber

"Why is your roommate asking me about drugs?"
--------Mike Bannister

"Oh, well, what the hell."
--------McVries from Catch-22

"Some days I just pray for spontaneous combustion."
--------Daniel Di Paolo

"You can learn more about a person in an hour of play, than in a year of conversation."
--------Plato

" Two physics majors, Justin Kasper and Fred Niell, gathered up some spare junk from their physics labs and dorm rooms and built a plutonium-producing reactor.
"It's kind of scary how easy it was to do," said Niell, assuring onlookers that there was only a trace of plutonium -- nothing harmful. "It only took us about a day to build it. We've been thinking about it for a few days and we gathered the parts, and last night we assembled it. In Justin's room -- he lost the coin toss." "
--------New York Times article

"Stop saying 'eyelash'!!"
--------Kevin Teeter talking to ViaVoice

"Whoever said that the best time of your life is high school never went to college"
--------Unknown

"Dude....don't harsh the rayon!"
--------Andy Martin

"If people are worried about the whole Y2K thing, just wait until they try to get technical support the day "Phantom Menace" opens."
--------WD-40

"I'll serve your ass like John McEnroe. If your girl steps up, I'm smiggity-smackin' tha ho."
--------Jump Around by House of Pain

"Beer is the mind killer. Beer is the little death that brings total obliteration. I will face my beer. I will permit it to pass over me and through me, and when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. When the beer has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."
--------Phillip from Goats in a parody of the Litany Against Fear from Dune

"I wonder if people will go to the theatre for SW1 [Star Wars I: The Phantom Menace] and, forgetting where they are, leave in disgust when they don't show the SW1 trailer before the film."
--------Pascal Q. Porcupine (Seen on /.)

"I'll take you home and make you LIKE it."
--------Flower by Liz Phair

"The last time I went to the dentist, she told me I had been a very naughty boy and proceeded to spank me. Wait a minute... maybe that wasn't the dentist."
--------David Vincent

"Thank God. We've won the war."
--------Winston Churchhill on hearing of the attack on Pearl Harbor

"Moo."
--------A Cow.

"You would use the weapons of mass destruction against men and women who uphold the law!!??"
"We use these weapons to shop for groceries."
--------Demolition Man

"They are entering into the mysteries of the fleet, Colonel Graff, to which you, as a soldier, have never been introduced."
"You make it sound like a priesthood."
"And a god. And a religion. Even those of us who command by ansible know the majesty of flight among the stars. I can see you find my mysticism distasteful. I assure you that your distaste only reveals your ignorance. Ender Wiggin will also know what I know; he will dance the graceful ghost dance through the stars, and whatever greatness there is within him will be unlocked, revealed, set forth before the universe for all to see. You have the soul of a stone, Colonel Graff, but I sing to a stone as easily as to another singer."
--------Ender's Game, by Orson Scott Card

"I know that somewhere in the Universe exists my perfect soulmate -- but looking for her is much more difficult than just staying at home and ordering another pizza."
--------Alf Whit

"Linux is only free if your time has no value"
--------Jamie Zawinski

"When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. When life gives you a truckload of hand grenades... now *that's* a sign."
--------Jacqui

"If you sat a monkey down in front of a keyboard, the first thing typed would be a UNIX command."
--------Bill Lye

"We'll get it back or choke the rivers with our dead!"
--------Bart Simpson

"So where are all the lust-crazed engineering groupies that my college recruiter talked about? "
--------James Knowles

"Shut up Stomach! You saw what I did to Heart...."
--------Kevin Teeter on hunger

"Now some men like the fishin', and some men like the fowlin', and some men like to hear...to hear the cannonballs roarin', but me, I like sleepin'. 'specially in my Molly's chamber..."
--------Whiskey in the Jar, Metallica

"REAL geeks think that Y2K happens in the year 2048."
--------Kevin Teeter

"I hate that 2 bit punk that invented CGA graphics."
--------Kevin Teeter

"People say money doesn't buy you happiness, but those people are usually people who don't have enough of it."
--------Linus Torvalds

"There is no spoon."
--------Neo

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house."
--------Lewis Grizzard

"Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd."
--------Voltaire

"I detest what you write, but I would give my life to make it possible for you to continue to write."
--------Voltaire

"I once knew an Episcopalian lady in Newport, Rhode Island, who asked me to design and build a doghouse for her Great Dane. The lady claimed to understand God and His Ways of Working perfectly. She could not understand why anyone should be puzzled about what had been or about what was going to be. And yet, when I showed her a blueprint of the doghouse I proposed to build, she said to me, "I'm sorry, but I never could read one of those things." "Give it to your husband or your minister to pass on to God," I said, "and, when God finds a minute, I'm sure he'll explain this doghouse of mine in a way that even you can understand." She fired me. I shall never forget her. She believed that God liked people in sailboats much better than He liked people in motorboats. She could not bear to look at a worm. When she saw a worm, she screamed. She was a fool, and so am I, and so is anyone who thinks he sees what God is Doing."
--------Cat's Cradle by Kurt Vonnegut

"I thank God I was raised Catholic, so sex will always be dirty"
--------John Waters

"I never saw them threaten anybody or bully anybody, but we avoided them because they were different."
--------Casey Brackley (Fellow Columbine High School student discussing the 'Trenchcoat Mafia')

" "That's the secret of how to enjoy writing and how to make yourself meet high standards," said Mrs. Berman. "You don't write for the whole world, and you don't write for ten people, or two. You write for just one person." "
--------Kurt Vonnegut, Bluebeard

"The word heretic ought to be a term of honour..."
--------Charles Bradlaugh

" Kids today have so many advantages I never had. There's no telling what I could've accomplished with a home computer and a handgun."
--------LeMel Hebert-Williams

"America On-Line users make a feces-covered brick look like a Rhodes Scholar."
--------Anonymous Script Kiddie

"Life doesn't start until 80 proof."
--------Andy Martin (me!)

"If you were taught that elves caused rain, every time it rained, you'd see the proof of elves."
--------Ariex

"Everything has a natural explanation. The moon is not a god but a great rock and the sun a hot rock."
--------Anaxagorus (c. 475 BC)

"Had I been present at the creation of the world, I would have proposed some improvements."
--------Alfonso the Wise

"Nothing exists except atoms and empty space; everything else is opinion."
--------Democritus

"To think is to differ."
--------Clarence Darrow

"The best that we can do is to be kindly and helpful toward our friends and fellow passengers who are clinging to the same speck of dirt while we are drifting side by side to our common doom."
--------Clarence Darrow

"Anything worth doing is worth selling repeatedly."
--------Niven's Law

"May we all stay crazy and live the bitchin' life!"
--------Robin Williams

" 'Real isn't how you are made,' said the Skin Horse. 'It's a thing that happens to you.' "
--------The Velveteen Rabbit

"And a tear, a real tear, trickled down his little shabby velvet nose and fell to the ground."
--------The Velveteen Rabbit

"I can do it all for you.....but I don't want to."
--------The Barenaked Ladies, Enid

"He was a wise man who invented God."
--------Plato

"What is more, it appears to be generally realized that some of the world's foremost philosophers, scientists, and artists have been avowed atheists and that the increase in atheism has gone hand in hand with the spread of education."
--------Encyclopedia of Philosophy

"It is wrong always, everywhere and for everyone to believe anything upon insufficient evidence."
--------W. K. Clifford

"We need a new cosmology. New Gods. New Sacraments. Another drink."
--------Patti Smith

"A casual stroll through the lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything."
--------Nietzsche

"No efficiency. No accountability. I tell you, Hobbes, it's a lousy way to run a universe."
--------Calvin & Hobbes

"Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company."
--------Mark Twain

Any belief worth having must survive doubt.
--------Unknown

"Mom and dad say I should make my life an example of the principles I believe in. But every time I do, they tell me to stop it."
--------Calvin & Hobbes

"Duct tape is like the Force. It has a dark side, it has a light side, and it holds the Universe together."
--------Carl Zwanig

Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
--------Clarke's Third Law

Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on.
--------Churchill's commentary on man

If the probability of success is not almost one, then it is damned near zero.
--------Murphy's Postulate of Probability

If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intention of doing you good, you should run for your life.
--------Thoreau's Law

"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this."
--------Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M "Post-It" Notepads.

"Mr. Spock, the women on your planet are logical. That's the only planet in the galaxy that can make that claim."
--------Kirk (Elaan of Troyius)

"Among economists, the real world is often a special case."
--------Anonymous

"If the Bible proves that God exists then comic books prove the existence of Superman."
--------From #Atheism

"They said God was on high and he controlled the world and therefore we must pray against Satan. Well, if God controls the world, he controls Satan. For me, religion was full of misstatements and reaches of logic that I just couldn't agree with."
--------Gene Roddenberry

"God created sex. Priests created marriage."
--------Voltaire

Do not condemn the judgment of another because it differs from your own. You may both be wrong.
--------Unknown

"The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently."
--------Nietzsche

"There is no absurdity so obvious that it cannot be firmly planted in the human head if you only begin to impose it before the age of five, by constantly repeating it with an air of great solemnity."
--------Arthur Schopenhauer

"Here's what happens when you die-you sit in a box and get eaten by worms. I guarantee you that nothing cool happens when you die."
--------Howard Stern

"...and sporteth twice they the camels, before the third hour. And so the Millionites went forth, to Ramgilliad, in Kadesh-belgamesh, by Shorethberagalion, to the house of Gashbillbethuelbasda, he who brought the butterdish to Balshaza, and the tent-peg to the house of Rashamon. And there, slew they the goats, yea, and put they the bits, in little pots."
--------Monty Python

"The altar cloth of one aeon is the doormat of the next."
--------Mark Twain

"If 50 million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing"
--------Anatole France

Calvin: Do you believe in the devil? You know, a supreme evil being dedicated to the temptation, corruption, and destruction of man?
Hobbes: I'm not sure that man needs the help.
--------Calvin & Hobbes

"If the account given in Genesis is really true, ought we not, after all, to thank this serpent? He was the first schoolmaster, the first advocate of learning, the first enemy of ignorance, the first to whisper in human ears the sacred word liberty, the creator of ambition, the author of modesty, of inquiry, of doubt, of investigation, of progress and of civilization."
--------Robert G. Ingersoll

"The invisible and the non-existent look very much alike."
--------Delo McKown